I want to be your happiness. I want to be your common sense and pain.

Now, usually, I have to confess, I’ll skip over this song. Why? It feels overplayed and, let’s face it, it’s not the best Bright Eyes song. True story. Tonight though I just let it play.  It’s dark and quiet and I’m in a weird mood. So, tonight the song gets to me because I had time to ACTUALLY listen. The guitar, the voice, the lyrics. His lyrics are just so honest sounding sometimes. (Act or not Conor, act or not.) Like, I’ll listen and think “That was so easily and beautifully said…Why couldn’t I have said it that way!?” Well, because I’m not a musician, I guess. That’s why I have so much respect for any musician/lyricist. Seriously. It’s a good song and I have to try not to discount it so easily. That one and First Day of My Life and At The Bottom of Everything. I tend to skip those a lot.

I guess the issue I have with those songs is having heard most of Bright Eyes’ songs I almost can’t stand the fact that those songs are the ones some people think are the best or that they truly like without listening to the rest. Songs like Neely O’Hara, A Poetic Retelling of An Unfortunate Seduction, and Train Under Water need some more attention. SO STUPID I KNOW BUT I CAN’T HELP HOW I FEEL. I know it’s unreasonable to want people to listen to all of Bright Eyes but it’s like people only listening to Float On by Modest Mouse or The Ocean Breathes Salty or Dashboard. Those are all great songs but what about She Ionizes & Atomizes and Summer and You’re The Good Things and Paper Thin Walls and all those other super fantastic ones?! What about them? I’m also going to cite AFI’s Love Like Winter and Miss Murder. What about anything pre-Sing the Sorrow? Or The White Stripes. Seven Nation Army, Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground, and Blue Orchid are some examples of what I’m talking about. Great songs but what about Now Mary and Astro. What about those? Maybe the issue is the thought of people not seeing the rest of any band’s genius. I don’t know, like I said, it’s all unreasonable thoughts but that’s how I kinda feel with bands I really like. BUT I do have to admit I’m a GIANT hypocrite because I’ve done that to other bands. Huge hypocrite. So, anything I’ve said prior to this point is almost invalid, no?

Keeping on the subject of music…Here’s music I’ve very recently listened to/gotten.

The Mynabirds | What We Lose In The Fire We Gain In The Flood

I got this album without much thought which could have been dangerous because I might have ended up disliking it. In my defense Laura Burhenn conned me into it. Okay, that’s certainly not true at all but look at her:

She’s cute. So I figured…why not? I found out who she is because she’s currently on tour with Bright Eyes. See:

In the end I have no regrets. None. Great album. Here’s Saddle Creek’s statement on the album:

Laura Burhenn’s The Mynabirds debut nods to gospel and garage which echoes of Dusty Springfield and Bobbie Gentry bleeding through the tape, but makes a modern sound all its own.

On a side note: I got that from the Saddle Creek mini catalogue  that came inside The People’s Key CD I got a couple weeks ago. Which is great! I got the deluxe edition and the packaging is fantastic! (That and, you know, the music.)

There’s just something about The Mynabirds album that I really like. It’s different from what I usually listen to but that’s been happening a lot lately. My favorites are What We Gained In the Fire, Numbers Don’t Lie, Wash It Out, and LA Rain.

All the evidence collected in your own defense doesn’t do you any good. And pinning all the blame on someone never made much sense ’cause we’re all convicts from a point of view.

Maria Taylor | Lynn Teeter Flower

Okay, I’m going to attribute these recent choices to Bright Eyes. I’m listening to a lot of Bright Eyes/Saddle Creek related music. (i.e Desaparecidos, Monsters Of Folk, etc.)

In all honesty I haven’t had the time to fully digest this album. I’ve listened to about half of it so far. I’m going to sit down and appreciate fully at some point. I promise.

So far I’m liking it. I don’t listen to many woman singers. I have no clue why it has just worked out that way. I’m beginning to though. Maria’s voice just has something in it that makes me want to keep listening. Maybe it’s the tone, maybe it’s me wishing my inner voice sounded that way (haha). I don’t know. I’m thinking that if this album works out for me I’ll get Lady Luck or 11:11. (I do my research, can you tell?)

My favorites (so far) are A Good Start, Clean Getaway,  and Smile and Wave.

It’s a shame now, baby, you can’t see yourself  and everything you’re running from. And it’s the same world, honey, that has brought you down, as the one that’s gonna pick you up. And pick you up.

Azure Ray | Hold On Love

I have nothing on this right now to be quite honest. I haven’t gotten around to listening yet. I picked it because well, I’m picking a book bu it’s cover again. I know, I’m not supposed to do that (both literally and theoretically) but sorry, I did.

So yeah, that’s it. There’s an update on what I’ve been listening to. There’s so much I have on my list of things that I want to listen to. Hopefully, I get to all of it.

Sure it’s lonely now but there’s not much you can do except hold it in and pretend everything is okay.

People can’t just stop and wait for you. They live their lives and don’t give you a second thought. It happens.

It’ll be okay in the end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. Even if it happens on the day you die at least it happened at all.

Right?

Last week I told my mom I wanted a year off before I start college.

She said I’d just be wasting my time and falling behind.

Sometimes I wish I could just live my life from city to city, town to town, middle of nowhere to middle of nowhere.

Just get in a car and drive until you get annoyed of your car.

If I end up on the east coast I end up on the east coast. Simple as that.

I just want to see other parts of this country.

I’m in love with California but distance makes the heart grow fonder. Right?

I’m always so jealous of the people who get to travel. Kids who take vacations to random places with their families. I’ve only been to two states and out of the country twice.

I want to see Texas. Montana. Washington. Iowa. New York. Alaska even.

I wish I could live moving around. One week here. Maybe a year there.

You can’t have a steady job while moving around. You can’t move around without a job.

I really want a year to get this out of my system.

If it’s possible to get this out of my system.

I want to be able to go somewhere and give a fake name and no one will know or care.

I could be a different person in every place.

In Newport I’ll hate tomatoes.

In Topeka I’ll wear a wig.

In Sarasota I’ll speak in a whisper.

I cringe when I realize I’ll never be able to do this.

I don’t even remember what I dreamed of last night or in the last couple days so…what’s there to write about?

Oh wait….I’m such a liar.

A couple nights ago I had a dream I had a boyfriend. OH HAR HAR LAUGH IT UP. I did say it was a dream.

You know, nothing too complicated. It just kind of came and went. He was there. My sister clung onto me for dear life and followed us everywhere. “Whatchya doin’ huh? Where you goin’? Do you want to take me out?” She was tangled up in my legs the whole time. My mom went up to the poor guy, got in his face with a squint and said “Nice. To. Meet. You.” in some horribly broken English. (Her English isn’t too horribly broken in reality.)

That’s it. Nothing special. I’m not even going to bother explaining who he was because, well, I’m too lazy.

What else…

Nothing really. I’m done with finals. I don’t have school tomorrow so I’ll probably do a couple pages of my senior scrapbook. That’s it. My life is going to be incredibly boring for the next 3 days.

What I’m doing now…

Oh nothing, just listening to some Modest Mouse. I now have the entirety of Sad Sappy Sucker. I’m excited to give it a good listen. (For me this means about 10 songs before my notoriously horrible attention span doesn’t let me continue and I have to take it in about 2-3 sittings.) I got Secret Agent X-9 and Dukes Up for almost no reason. I didn’t think I’d like them. They’re quite infectious really.

It’s always for various reasons.

This year, it happened because of my cousins.

I grew up with my two cousins. Their dad is my dad’s brother so naturally they grow up with me because my uncle is my dad’s only family in the state, only one of two family members in the country.

Even when things got tough in their family, they stuck with us. Things happened sometime later (I can’t be bothered to get into specifics) and they moved out.

You’d think this wouldn’t be bad but we saw less and less of each other.

The point is they were practically my siblings and then we grew apart. I miss them so much. It makes me extremely sad that I don’t feel fully comfortable around them anymore. It’s as if we never knew each other well.

I miss what my life used to be.

Oh well, things change and sometimes we can’t do much to keep them the same or better.

I’m not discontent with my life now, I’m happy in fact. I love it.

I just miss parts of what it was.